Make college easy in three easy steps

by Danny Bush

 

Making the most out of school is perhaps the most confusing conundrum that applies to us students here at GCC. Some of us are here strictly for education and some for the chance to express themselves. Personally, I am here because my boss at the burger joint said no when I asked for a $75,000 raise.

Luckily, I’ve found the secret to success. I’ve been introduced to the special formula to raise and maintain good grades. I use it myself every day and I add my personal testimony to its efficiency.

Now, I’m not exactly sure how the grading system works, but I raised my grade from a “C” (which I think stands for “crappy”) to an “F” (which stands for “fantastic”). Not only do I have straight “F’s,” I am also going to be “expelled” (which is college jargon for “graduate”).

I felt that I had to share what I’ve learned in the form of a list. I care about you, student. To prove my point, I’ve surveyed several students who said that they got good grades by doing what I did. Or, maybe they said they didn’t do what I did. I can’t remember.

 

Here is a list of things that you should do in order to be a fantastic student.

 

  1. Through out my whole life, I’ve been searching for the perfect mix of good grades and minimal effort. I have yet to find it. I’ve nailed down the minimal effort part, though. What you’ll want to do is take every homework assignment and shove it in the deepest recesses of your cavernous backpack. The next part is simple: don’t ever touch it again.
  2. Testing is pretty easy. If it says “all of the above” it probably signifies that the teacher wasn’t sure which was the right answer either, so you don’t have to answer. If it says “none of the above” then likely the teacher wanted to emphasize that all of the other answers were really ridiculous and that it could be any number of other possibilities. I’d say always answer “none of the above.” I mean, in reality, no one can really apply a quantitative value to something we only perceive to exist, right?
  3. Don’t take notes. Our mind has a limitless capacity to recall information. There’s no need to occupy yourself writing down everything the teacher says. You’re really just taking time away from checking Facebook on your phone. We all know that asking friends on Facebook is much more reliable than asking your teacher.

 

This list is pretty comprehensive and applies to nearly all students. Hearken unto these words, students. Write me a letter and address it to the newsroom at The Voice newspaper. Ask me questions about school survival (about anything, really–I have no filter). I can give you what you need to succeed and to not worry about get those pesky “A’s.”

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