I have had something on my mind a lot lately and decided to do what the person with a passion for writing usually does and work it out through words. Seriously, writing is like therapy.
Urban Dictionary defines friends with benefits as such: “Two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved. Typically, two good friends who have casual sex without a monogamous relationship or any kind of commitment.”
I call bullshit on that definition alone. If two people are friends, there is always some kind of emotional relationship, it just may not be romantic in nature. What I am having a difficult time reconciling in my brain is how the minute you have sex with a friend, some of them just dip out like you were never friends in the first place.
Now, this leaves the party who was left behind with a whirlwind of emotions as they ultimately question what they did wrong. Were they bad in bed, did they seem too into it, did they not seem enough into it, was the other person not attracted to their naked body?
The disconnect that can happen after the sex is confusing and undermines the actual friendship that existed in the first place.
That pisses me off. The whole friends with benefits has two important words right in it: friends and benefits. You should be and stay friends, and both parties should benefit from the sexual experience.
Why do some guys get instantly weird after the sex finally happens and start acting like jerks? Let me make one thing clear to these types of FWB: we are not attempting to be your girlfriend. We don’t want to hold your hand or cuddle with you. We don’t want to call you our man or introduce you to all our friends. What we want is for our relationship to stay as it was before, flirty and friendly, and we want to maybe have sex every few weeks. Simple, right? Wrong.
What I have learned from these experiences thus far is that FWB rarely works. You have sex once, maybe a few times, he gets all weird like he thinks you want to marry him or something and then he ghosts out. You end up sexless and friendless.
Whether we want to admit it to ourselves or not: sex changes the dynamic in a friendship. Things will never be quite the same. I know this, I understand this; yet here I stand on the verge of doing the same thing again. The only way I can rationalize making the choice to cross that line with a friend is the level in which you care for said friend.
If you have a strong emotional bond with someone and you can call/text them about anything, you have to ask yourself are you willing to lose that? I wasn’t, but I did and it is what it is.
On the flip-side, if you are more like casual acquaintance type friends, maybe the whole venture into the sexual world will play out better. You have less to lose if he starts acting weird and maybe there is less potential for him to act weird in the first place if there is not already a strong emotional connection.
I guess the only advice I have is to proceed with caution. Calculate what you are willing to lose if the other person can’t handle the FWB. I also implore that you keep the line of communication open and be honest with each other both before and after you cross that line.